do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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