seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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