I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
