Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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