only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
