I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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