Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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