I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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