Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
