i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
