I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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