for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
