dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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