My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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