Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
