Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she smelled like a LAN party
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize