I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
