I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize