You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
