i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
