We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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