census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
