How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
