Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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