I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
