Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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