i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
