Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize