Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
