Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
