did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
