I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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