We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You've changed since you got that strap on
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
