Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
