Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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