My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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