I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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