my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
