He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
