That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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