I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
