I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
