So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize