I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
