My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
