Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
