apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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