Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize