I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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