Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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