Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
