Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
