Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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