He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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