Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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