i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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