god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
