sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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