I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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