I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You are the jesus of drinking
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize